Charlie nodded. She really did trust Rachel more than she trusted anyone else in the world, which was such a big thing for Charlie. She’d never trusted someone so much and so fully before. It was a good change. A change that to her promised a future, a real future, like the kinds she’s written and dreamed about since she was in high school. Things were beginning to fall in place and even if it had been hard to talk about what she had done to herself in college, it felt good to tell Rachel and feel so safe and love still afterwards. “Good, ‘cause I don’t think I’d let you go even if you let me go,” she teased.
Charlie listened to Rachel’s story and she couldn’t help but feel so angry that Rachel had to go through that and so sad that it’s been something that’s hurt Rachel for so long. She didn’t understand how things like that could happen to sincerely good people like Rachel Berry. It didn’t make sense. “Okay,” she said softly holding Rachel tighter, “It’s okay, babygirl,” Charlie cooed, “You’re with me now and I’m going to keep you safe.”
Rachel nuzzled closer, having already memorized the pattern of Charlie’s heartbeat. It really did soothe her a lot. It reminded her that Charlie was right here, and wasn’t going anywhere. Rachel won’t let her go anywhere. She was in love, and it wasn’t the school girl love that are on stupid television shows. It was the real kind of love. Rachel could already visualize the life she was determined to build with Charlie by her side. “Well I’m not moving an inch.” She chuckled softly and slide her hand up and down along the soft skin of Charlie’s side.
As Rachel told her story, which was incredibly hard for her to do, she was extremely aware of body language. She made sure her body remained tightly pressed against Charlie’s not just for protection, but to feel any of her movements. Any tensing up or fidgeting or even a tremble. Saying the words out loud to someone who wasn’t her therapist felt like a massive weight has just been lifted off her chest. She felt like she could take in a deep breath, a real deep breath for the first time in years. Charlie didn’t run. She didn’t budge a centimeter. Rachel curled up impossibly tighter to Charlie as tears dripped onto her girlfriends soft skin. “Th-thank you…That…that felt g-good to say…” It was scary, of course. But it really had felt good to just release.
Charlie was surprised that she didn’t end up crying, she always thought she would if she ever told anyone about that, but then again, Rachel made her feel so safe and comfortable that she knew she didn’t need to cry. She wasn’t alone anymore. Charlie had someone who wouldn’t run, someone whom she trusted, and having that gave her no reason to cry. “I’ve never told anyone that,” she whispered squeezing Rachel’s hand and straining her neck to place a kiss on the top of the brunette’s head, “I love you, Rach, I love you so much and there’s no chance in hell you’re going to lose me.” She meant that. For the first time she saw a future for herself and knew there was something worth living for.
Charlie closed her eyes tightly and nodded, “Whatever it is, whatever happened, I’m here,” she said encouragingly, “I’m right here and we’re going to deal with it all together so… so you don’t have to be scared anymore.”
Rachel breathed softly as her eyes fluttered. “Thank you for trusting me.” Rachel knew this was a huge deal for Charlie. Especially if she was the first person Charlie ever told this to. It felt really amazing to have so much of Charlie’s trust. It made her feel so special and loved. Rachel smiled softly as she felt a kiss rain down on her head. “Good. Because I’m never letting you go.” Rachel could honestly see herself building a future - a life with Charlie. Marriage, kids, the whole ordeal. She knew it was time to think about that later, though.
Rachel inhaled deeply and decided to just go for it. To just tell her story. “Back…back when I was still looking for my big break…” She swallowed thickly, this was extremely hard for her. “I went to go audition for Rent. The director loved my audition and as I was going to leave…the producer…the producer called me back to his office…” She could feel her throat tightened, so she worked hard on breathing in and out. “He made some sexual advances on me, which I refused, so he..” The tears began slowly falling from her eyes, landing on Charlie’s skin. “He hit me a lot and…h-he raped me. A few times in th-that one night…” Her lips quivered as she held back a sob, just letting the tears spill over. She buried herself into Charlie’s skin, trying to feel her heartbeat and warmth again.
Charlie suddenly got extremely nervous. She’d never spoken about what she was about to tell Rachel with anyone who wasn’t in the hospital with her then, or wasn’t her therapist currently. It was scary because it was such a crazy thing, literally, to have to tell someone, especially someone you were still trying to impress a majority of the time. But it needed to be told and she supposed that the sooner the better, “Half way into junior year of college I gave up,” she said softly, “Quinn was at Yale being amazing. My parents forgot about me half the time. I was in a go nowhere major, still have a go nowhere job… and I was so alone. So one night,” Charlie closed her eyes tightly and took a deep breath whispering the next part, “I took a bottle of asprin, drank a bottle of gin, and made a bed in my bathtub hoping that…” she couldn’t even finish that sentence. Charlie cleared her throat, “My landlord found me the next morning, I guess they pumped my stomach and shit, I don’t know, I honestly don’t remember any of it. I spent the next eight months in an impatient psychiatric hospital… never could get myself to go back to college.:
Rachel could tell Charlie was nervous. She tightened her fingers around the taller girls and nuzzled her chest more, kissing against the skin gently. It was just her subtle way of making sure Charlie knew she was safe and Rachel would never run or anything. She listened intently, the only sounds coming from her was her soft breathing. As she listened, her face paled. Charlie…Charlie tried to kill herself. Suddenly she could feel her stomach twist. A world without Charlie didn’t seem like much of a world at all. She remained calm, though. She just squeezed Charlie’s hand tighter and patiently waited until she was done.”I’m..I’m so sorry…” She whispered softly and reached her hand up to cup Charlie’s cheek, and bring her down for a tender kiss.
“I think you’re very strong.” she admitted softly. “You’re strong for going to the hospital. You’re strong for not trying again. You’re strong.” She pulled Charlie down of another gentle kiss. “And I still love you just as much as I did a few minutes ago. This doesn’t change anything. I just want you to know that if you ever, ever need to talk about anything, I want you to talk to me, okay? I love you so much and if something ever happened…” She could barely finish. “I just got you. I can’t lose you again.” She whispered, nuzzling deeper against Charlie’s warm chest. Rachel knew it was her turn now. Her chance to admit her dark secret. “Ready for mine?” she whispered.
Charlie chuckled to herself, “I guess I’m not too bad,” she teased taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly watching as Rachel rose and fell with her breathing. She tried to scan Rachel’s face to understand exactly what was going on, but she couldn’t. All she could tell was that something definitely wasn’t alright and it worried her. “Okay,” she whispered in reply, scared to hear whatever it was, but knowing at the same time that it wouldn’t make her love or care for Rachel any less, “Would it make you feel better if I went first?” she asked, meaning her secret about college. Charlie could tell Rachel still always wanted to ask about that, maybe this was the time to let it all out, for the both of them.
Rachel giggled and nodded. “Not too bad at all, dear.” Rachel knew what she was going to tell Charlie wouldn’t be easy. Not just because she never said it out loud before to anyone other than her therapist, but also because that’s just not something that’s easy to hear. It’s hard and painful. But she did have faith that Charlie wouldn’t love her any less for it. Rachel swallowed softly. “Yeah…yes that would be good with me..” She really did want to know exactly what happened with Charlie and college. She kept wanting to ask, but felt rude.
Charlie held tightly onto Rachel, not wanting to let go until she was certain the smaller girl would be alright. Seeing her liked that almost made Charlie herself want to cry, and crying wasnt something she did, almost ever. “I’ve got you,” she whispered into Rachel’s hair soothingly, “I’m here, I’ve got you.”
She bit her lip while Rachel’s head resting against her chest and a small shadow of a smile appeared on her face which how cute the gesture was, even if Rachel had been so upset, “I’m going to pick you up and carry you to the bed,” Charlie said shifting her arms to cradle Rachel, almost like a baby, keeping her head by her heart. Luckily Rachel was easy to lift and getting her to the bed was no problem. Charlie put her down gently and moved to the other side of the bed where she slid out of her jeans and took off her t-shirt before climbing right back in to take Rachel back into her arms. “Do you wanna talk about it?” she whispered quietly, not wanting to push Rachel to talk if she wasn’t ready.
Rachel’s shaking subsided a significant amount, nearly going away completely, when she was back where she belonged. Right in Charlie’s arms. When she heard the soft whispers against her ear, the shaking stopped entirely. She felt so safe, so protected. It may sound childish to other people that a 27 year old woman needed to feel protected, but she did. And Charlie made her feel just that and more.
Rachel barely even noticed that Charlie had carried her until she felt the bed underneath her. She had been so focused on the sound of her heart. The beat was something she wanted to memorize, and after a few more moments her breathing was finally back to normal. It also fell in perfect timing with the drumming of her heart. Her eyes drifted as Charlie got undressed to get more comfortable. All Rachel had on was a tshirt and underwear anyways, so she was comfortable too. She eased back into her arms and rested her head on Charlie’s chest, feeling that perfect heart rhythm again. She slid her hand around and found her girlfriends, intertwining them softly. “I haven’t spoken to her since graduation. I tried…I tried but she shut me out. She shut me out and I don’t know what to do now.” she whispered.
Charlie almost wished that she hadn’t just gone to her apartment to feed her cat considering Rachel was obviously not in a very good state. She could really understand what was going on, honestly, she hadn’t known anything about Rachel’s sister which just made her even more confused. So after feeding Charcoal she grabbed her bag and made her way as quickly as she could back to Rachel’s room.
Thankfully her apartment was close, close enough to where she was still confused as to why she had chosen to stay in the hotel anyway. Either way, it was good she was close to the hotel because she practically ran back and to Rachel’s room which she unlocked quickly, “Rach?” she asked walking into the room cautiously.
It’s been ten years since Rachel has spoken to her sister. She tried so hard to contact her. She tried and tried but to no avail. She always felt like Jen hated her but could never tell why. She knew that Charlie probably didn’t know anything about what kind of person Jen was. Jen always mostly stayed quiet in high school. Blended in with the crowd. Rachel had tried so hard to stop that from happening but it was like Jen wanted nothing to do with her.
Right now Rachel needed Charlie. She used to get panic attacks all the time after the incident, but then they stopped and for the past six years or so, they only come on the anniversary of that night. But now the thought of her sister being in the same building as her just sent her into some kind of frenzy. If Charlie ment what she said about not running, now would be a great time to find out because most people wouldn’t take this too well. Rachel was curled up, her back was against the wall and her knees were up to her chest. Her head was down against her knees as she tried to breath, but it felt like there was a hole the size of a pin in her throat and that’s all the air that was coming through. Her whole tiny frame shook. Suddenly, she heard her name from those familiar lips and her head shot up, desperate for Charlie’s arms.
“Yeah?” she asked quirking an eyebrow, “That’s good to know..” this was weird for her, Charlie didn’t really know how to be vocal about her feelings and that made it a little bit harder to really deal with. But she wanted to figure it all out with Rachel. She really wanted to have that life she’d always wrote about. Because Rachel was someone Charlie saw potential in, she always had, and that alone really gave her hope. “The past.. we can deal with that, eventually,” she said thankful it wasn’t something they were trying to talk about right away, “Until then it’s just us and the present and you know, the future.”
Charlie took in a deep breath when Rachel began kissing down her neck still almost expecting to wake up from some sort of dream. She exhaled sharply while watching Rachel undress her from hooded eyes. She swallowed hard and reached around Rachel to play with the dark hair, moving it out of Rachel’s way when necessary. This was new, someone being slow, someone doing these kinds of things with such care. But Charlie liked it, she definitely liked it. “Rach,” she whispered cupping the girl’s cheek affectionately. Not really having anything to say, but just wanting to speak the girl’s name.
Rachel pushed away her darkest secret and let herself get lost in the perfection that was under her. She didn’t think about anything else. All she wanted to think about was Charlie. Charlie who just swooped into her life and decided to change everything. It wasn’t really a choice, though. It just happened. They just instantly molded together like two perfect pieces that have been missing for a long time.
She decided in that moment that hearing Charlie whisper her name like that was something she wanted to hear again and again and again. It was so soft, so perfect. Especially just the way she said it. Rachel pressed a warm kiss to Charlie’s breast as she felt her cheek being cupped. She hummed softly and moved her lips down. She gently trailed a trail of those open mouthed, affectionate kisses down the length of Charlie’s smooth stomach. When she finally reach her pelvic line, she sucked softly, then moved her head down to a deep part in Charlie’s inner thigh. She sucked on the skin tenderly and let her fingers softly glide up her slit, just feeling her.
Charlie swallowed, “I guess we’ll just have to take the chance,” she said too happy with the possibilities of the future to worry too much about how scared she was. Rachel was there too, Charlie wasn’t alone, they could be scared together. Everything was better together. “I’m not going to run,” she said shaking her head, “I’m scared, sure, but I’m never just going to run. I want all of you, past and all,” Charlie added really needing Rachel to believe her. Because Charlie was hiding a big secret and she knew that if she was ever going to tell Rachel, they’d have to be on the same page about never running. When Rachel kissed her she already knew things from there on would be different. That they were then in uncharted territory exploring the land together in a new way from what they ever had before.
“I’d take that chance with you any day.” she whispered. From what she could get, Charlie seemed a little more comfortable. Still scared, but willing to open up. Rachel knew she’d be right night to catch Charlie tightly if she ever slipped even just an inch. They were stronger together, anyways. Rachel felt much more emotionally stronger with Charlie than without her. She swallowed softly. “My past is a lot. It’s something most people don’t want to deal with…but I’d never run either. I’ll never run on you.” For some reason, Rachel just knew this was the truth. That they wouldn’t run on each other. It gave her a sense of safeness that she desperately craved.
Rachel started sensually kissing at her neck and her hands slid her pajama shorts. She was taking her time with this. There wasn’t any rush. She knew she had all night to bring Charlie to new, mind blowing amounts of pleasure. She slid her shorts and panties down her legs softly, leaving her exposed. Then, she gently tugged her tank top over her head. She lowered her face to begin warm, open mouth kisses over the tops of Charlie’s breasts. Her hands wove behind the soft back and unclasp the bra gently. She pushed it up, letting those perfect breasts be exposed to her and only her. Her warm kisses moved down and took one of Charlie’s nipples into her mouth. She sucked, nibbled, and swirled her tongue around the bud. Every motion was soft and filled with affection and love. Nothing was rough or fast. She was loving every second of it.
Charlie was sure she was blushing. She tried to figure out why she hadn’t ever realized Rachel paying attention, but she knew back then she didn’t care. Back then she was all about doing things to mess with her parents or Quinn. Charlie had never cared back then, but that was so different.
She could tell that maybe she hadn’t said exactly what Rachel wanted to hear and it worried her to see the look on her face. Charlie bushed back some of Rachel’s hair and she cooed softly, “Baby, no one’s invincible, love’s a game that you either win or lose, and losing means getting hurt no matter what.” She really was scared to hurt Rachel. The girl was just so taint and innocent in her eyes. “We both have been through things and..” she was scared to even hint at anything, “I don’t know if mine’s something anyone wants to handle.” This was a conversation she had never even gotten close to having. “Then teach me,” Charlie replied leaning forward to nuzzle her nose against Rachel’s cheek, “Teach me,” she breathed against the skin there.
Rachel still regrets wasting so much of her life with Finn. Sure, high school is a time to explore yourself and figure out who you are, but four years spent on that boy was ridiculous. She could have been doing much more productive things with her life. Such as making Charlie blush, because it was a beautiful sight to see.
Rachel couldn’t stop the ridiculous smile that formed on her face when Charlie called her ‘baby’ even if she tried. It might just be some pet name that she is reading too much into, but it sounded to nice coming form those perfect lips. It sounded to nice in reference to her. “What if we don’t have to lose?” she whispered softly. She could tell Charlie was so, so scared. It was clear in her eyes. But, why couldn’t they just be scared together? Rachel bit her lip nervously. “No…yours can’t be as bad as mine. Mine is…mine is something that will probably have you running…” She swallowed thickly, still determined not to shed a single tear right now. Right now she wanted to play teacher. She inhaled the warm scent of Charlie as she felt that soft nose nuzzle her cheek. She turned her head gently to kiss Charlie affectionately. “Of course I’ll teach you.” She whispered against those soft lips and kissed her again, but deeper. She knew how she was going to teach Charlie. Charlie was the kind of person who had rough, one time stands. Rachel could tell. Meaningless, shameless sex. Well, Rachel was going to do something new with Charlie. She was going to make love to her. It wasn’t going to be fast or rough. She was going to make this slow and soft. She was going to make it about a real connection. About making love.
Charlie really believed Rachel. Something from the look on her face to being able to feel her heart beat against her chest just really made her believe it. As scary as it was, it still just felt right. “Thank you,” she whispered leaning forward to capture Rachel’s lips again, “Thank you for just.. seeing me, I guess.” Charlie wished she was better with words out loud, it was something she needed to work on for sure.
This was usually the point in conversations where Charlie would make an excuse to leave because it was getting all too real for her. It was so scary to think someone could want her and trust her to not hurt them while at the same time trying to believe that she won’t get hurt in the end too. Charlie was just so scared of it all, but she was so scared it kind of excited her. “I don’t know,” she whispered, “I’m scared… I.. I’m not perfect, I’m going to hurt you.” That was really what it came down to her in mind. Not wanting to hurt Rachel. Because she was hiding so much that she didn’t want Rachel to run, “I’ve done some things and…” Charlie trailed off not really knowing where to go with that. “Rachel I want you. I want to hold your hand places and kiss you goodnight and all that cheesy stuff.. I want to learn how to see you in my future,” Charlie said, her heart racing, “I want you to teach me how.”
Rachel chuckled softly. “You don’t have to thank me, sweetie. You were all I was even able to see.” Rachel wasn’t even lying in the least bit. She had trouble seeing anything but Charlie most of the time. In classes, the the hallways, and even during lunch. Her eyes just magically drifted to Charlie every single time. Without fail.
When Charlie started speaking, Rachel’s chest tightened. She probably took this too fast and she was started to hate herself for it. It really sounded like Charlie was about to reject her. She could feel the tears sting the backs of her eyes, threatening to fall. “I..I’m stronger now…I don’t get hurt that easily..” It was a lie and Rachel knew it. She did get hurt easily. She was just good at hiding it a lot. Then Charlie continued to talk, and the tightness in Rachel’s chest eased up. “I’m not expecting you to be perfect…no one is perfect. I just want you. The way you are is perfect to me already.” she sighed softly. “Well so have I. I have some stuff in my past that just..” Rachel shuddered and very quickly stopped the though in it’s tracks. If she started to really think about what happened then she’d start sobbing without a doubt. This wasn’t the time for that. Especially now that Charlie was saying things that made her head dizzy. In the good way. “I want that too. I want to hold you hand in store’s and call you sometimes just during the day because I miss your voice…and I want to see you in my future.” She understood this was new for Charlie. Uncharted territory. Honestly, this was new for Rachel too. “I can teach you. If you just…if you let me…I can teach you.” she whispered.